There is, this morning thundering around my head an internal introvert’s noisy dialogue. This eventually, as I am lying on my bed still, spills out and I start a vocal conversation that is a mixture between myself, the cat and the Lord. And these three come in no particular order. There is, this morning a lovely cobalt sky which beckons me to do ‘something’ with the day ahead. Somewhere in the recess of my mind, I ponder a little scenario built around ‘runner beans’ and ‘garden centre’.
Mentally I mind map the options and have decided that there is this morning indecisiveness in my thoughts. I have tackled the get washed or have breakfast issue rather well and achieved both. But what sort of day do I choose, in or out? When I suddenly have an internal thought break the surface of my preponderances and ‘sound a holy convocation’ springs to the front of my mind. Hmm, interesting!
This is shortly followed by ‘Go off to a quiet place.” But as to where to go, I know not. At this rate,I shall be here still writing about it, instead of actually doing it! And after all, there is actually no quieter place than where I am right now, typing away (except perhaps for the tapping of the keyboard).
What exactly would a day of holy convocation look like for me today I wonder? And I consider prayer a key motif and motive. Only just last night I had a very fast answer to a, well I cannot really say it was a prayer as such even, but more an exasperated and tired remark as I was driving along. It went like this, “Lord I want to help with…, but Lord I don’t think I can keep this up much longer; I need peace!” Maybe you know this prayer plea and can fill in your own words into the gap.
I think this was spoken aloud by me more as an internal vocal outburst for I had been keeping it swirling around in my mind for a while. Suddenly, low and behold as I spoke within minutes the answer was given and I was released from that commitment. You might think as I initially did, that was the end of it, move on. Not so simple, though, for I am aware this morning that it was not peace as such that I was desperate for. I was feeling trapped and I need to work out why that was. I had chosen to help so why was I experiencing such trauma. I have come to realize that my natural introvert self, was kicking me and telling me I need space, solitude, and silence.
Even this morning, I am feeling that my personality’s inclination to be introvert rather than the opposite extreme of extrovert, (as most of the world seems to be), affect how my day will turn out. Thankful for the answer I had to prayer and I assume I do hear correctly, then I had best listen to the call to my soul for this holy convocation. I am very aware of my lack in having any gift of vision, so I need to consider for a while what this will look like today.
Trying to rush my brain is like trying to pour set concrete and so I sit, with it and let my thoughts form and listen to what the Lord might be saying to help me in my quiet time.
“Release, release yourself from the moment and stop trying so hard to do anything. Just be, let the flow of life and that solitude you crave so intensely wash over you like a refreshing rain.”
“Let that internal knot go, and cease to fret over anything, in particular, there is no pressure on you, except that which you yourself exert.”
“I know you inside and out, both internal of those thought patterns which drive you and those external ones which take you physically though life along the path set before you.”
“I want you to stop what you are doing, and rest.”
Oh! I find that so difficult to do. So at this point I feel I must let this writing go and sit, hands in my lap and breathe and wait.
I stop writing and wait. I hear, “Go off and do something other now before this morning and day slip away and is gone.”
So off I go…..and return a few hours later.
On return, I have arrived home to an awful racket caused by a tree shredding company across the road. God sure does know all things, I would have predicted the usual silent neighbourhood and been mightily distracted by the gardeners machinery. I am thankful for the time outside in the soothing warmth of the late spring day, freely wandering along empty lanes as trees and hedgerows are coming back into leaf, with only the sound of birds twitter and the breeze now and then swooshing the tree tops up on the brow of a hill I valiantly climbed. The view was gorgeous, set out before me like a painting of rolling countryside with bluest sky and fluffy cotton wool clouds. The drive back was equally lovely, with the gentle refrain of instrumental music I blissfully enjoyed the moving scenery seeing the springtime flowers and just a hint of the cherry blossom trees every now and then waiting to open from their buds. I do love cherry blossom, it is my favourite but then I also love pink so there is nothing sweeter to view on a day like today.
Exactly how this has been a ‘convocation’ (holy or not) perplexed me initially because I didn’t meet up with lots of people (no large group of ramblers crossed my path), but I can begin to understand that I have been meeting with God’s holy creation, not people. I can only smile for that is just what I needed to be out but in solitude.
Back home whilst I have been writing the noise has now stopped and the gardeners are packing up already. Great! I can resume my meanderings on the page with a nice cup of tea to hand and the quiet once more surrounding me. We all need to take time out and get away; it is solace for the soul and beneficial to the writer who needs to be refreshed and inspired. No better way than in creation’s glory, it is a marvellous blessing to live in such a green and pleasant land.
I feel that this particular day has been graced by the hand of the Lord directing my footsteps .It is far from over of course but I think that I have seized the day and benefited from having my mind renewed. The endless mind chatter in my processing has been stilled (temporarily) and I have breathed and lived life for a while forgetting the strain of all that would twist and bind my creativity and joy. I am contemplating from a different angle what in the coming days I shall spend my time doing and most of all where. We can get stuck in a rut and never lift our heads up to see another horizon or opinion on things.
Feeling much more realigned now I must remember to take the time to change the day. No adventures will happen if I do not hit my refresh button in my brain. So I have a rather large notice stuck upon the wall in-line with my eyesight just in case I forget this morning’s lesson which has lifted me higher to see the beauty of the day that I have spent rather well I think. As for the ‘runner beans’ and garden centre’, I guess that is for another day!